Do-Overs

In 1976 when I was a Ham's Store soda jerk at West Thumb in Yellowstone, I took hundreds of pictures on my Kodak Pocket Instamatic 30 camera. Oh, for that opportunity today with a nice digital! This snapshot is a digitized copy of a 32 (!) year old print taken during that summer. I think that the photo would have been incredible with the right equipment. But then, so would most any picture taken at Yellowstone. (Take a look at a professional shot of the same area from a different angle, but at the same time of day.)

AH! I'm itching to go back, but not particularly wanting to go as the tourist I would be now. Hamilton Store number 3 is now a parking lot, and West Thumb dorms have been razed. In all probability, I would never leave the loop road to really explore the park areas where I camped and hiked back then. Some experiences just cannot be done over. (Side note: Gigapan offers a fantastic October view of the West Thumb basin with its steaming thermal features, snowy boardwalks, and even a glimpse of Lake Yellowstone in the background. Incredible!)

I do remember the morning that I took this photo. It was my one day off that week and, I remained at West Thumb, since I had no transportation. I simply walked out the front doors of the store and looked across Lake Yellowstone at the Absaroka Mountains. A family was crossing the boardwalk near the lake, silhouetted by the sun hitting the vapor wafting off the paint pots. Moments later another tourist on the boardwalk spooked a doe, who jumped right into one of the thermal pools. The doe sprang out and ran off. At the time I believed that she would be OK, but experience tells me that the doe probably died soon afterwards. I despised that tourist at the time. But was I, with my Pocket Instamatic, any better?

So many incidents in my life resemble living in Yellowstone, equipped with only a Pocket Instamatic: at every vantage point I have had amazing opportunities, filled with all sorts of possibilities, but without adequate reflection or planning, I, in my impulsivity, have managed to waste these gifts. Much of the time I am left both unsatisfied and completely frustrated with myself. Sometimes there are do-over opportunities, and sometimes there are none.

Being a parent is uniquely filled with opportunity for screw-ups that beg for a do-over. Fortunately, most of the time as a parent I have been afforded chances to repair my mistakes, just by the very forgiving nature of my children. Yesterday my daughter had her 23rd birthday and, as I always do especially on that anniversary, I thought of how proud I am of her and of what a delight she is to me. I know that I have adequately communicated those thoughts to her by my actions and words - not always consistently so, unquestionably - but certainly my mission has been to let her know without any doubt that I love her. No do-over necessary.

Relationships with friends and acquaintances are not so easily repaired. I have always thought of myself as awkward: stuck in that pre-teen gawky stage. I find myself saying the most ridiculous things and then trying to undo the damage. I'm afraid that it usually comes off more as an embarrassed mumbled half-sentence than an effective repair. I think that this is one reason why I enjoy blogging and online discussion groups so much. I have time to consider/reconsider my thoughts before I publish them. And...except for sent emails, I can always edit/delete! Wish I had a delete button for speech!